Wednesday, April 29, 2009

She didn't see this coming....

I have this friend who happens to be my closest girlfriend. Let's call her Busi. Busi is one of those girls I wished I could be like sometimes. Outspoken, confident, loves life and lives it to the fullest, crazy, spontaneous..I think you get the picture. I'm pretty much the opposite(not that I'm not confident, introverted, calculating, practical, blah blah blah. We usually joke about her being the 'fun' and me being the 'sense'. So you can imagine my surprise when we became friends. Well, I usually draw people totally unlike me, so I shouldn't have been surprised. Anyhoos..

Busi lost her dad when she was 7. So it was her mum who single-handedly raised her and her younger sister. Sickness(the exact type unknown to me) unfortunately and suddenly took her mother's life about 3 years ago. So Busi had to suddenly become a woman; a mother to her younger sister. They were staying with some family members here while the mother was back home; that didn't change after her death..immediately. Busi started seeing this guy a few months after. He was quite (seemingly) the perfect guy - smart, funny, sweet and all that good stuff. She and her sister moved in with him after a while. Her family wasn't particularly supportive anyway, so moving in with him seemed like the best thing to her. I didn't like the idea but her mind was made up. To cut the story short, his true colours came out. He had violent tendencies; hit her a few times, she found out he wasn't exactly faithful and he picked up fights over nothing. Her sister even had to go back to stay with their family because she and the boyfriend didn't get along. I advised her to leave and go back to her family. She said going back to them wasn't an option. She left eventually and stayed with a friend. You can imagine my joy and relief. Unfortunately, she and the boyfriend got back together. She assured me that he had changed and all that. Who was I to stop her? I could actually notice the change..only for a while. She started complaining again. I told her that she knew what she had to do. She reiterated that going to the family wasn't an option so sticking it out till she could find a solution was the only thing she could do. The Busi I knew and loved has totally changed. She's not so passionate about life anymore, bordering on being cynical, she has toughened up quite a lot. I can't blame her though, life has dealt her a seriously strong blow.

Now, her sister has been kicked out by the family(she's staying with a friend), they both can't afford to continue with their education, she's stuck in a relationship that's OK today and terrible the next day because the guy foots her bills and she has tried looking for a job to no avail. I'm a lowly student, there's only so much I can do. I'm sure Busi isn't the only African woman out there going through such. I feel so silly when I say I have problems..what a laugh!

Temite says:

I don’t really know what to say to this

On one hand this is why there is a HUGE need for shelters and places where women, both old and young can come and be safe. And before I get on my crusading high horse, back to Busi.

Busi darling, HUGE HUG first….

And I only wish you the best and I just know that you will get through this….


He is obviously an idiot, probably going through his own shit and probably wants to do better. So anytime that Idiot tries to hit you, SLAP him back. If he punches, get a knife or a huge stick. Don’t, NEVER let him think that he can get away with it. Until you can leave him FIGHT him like crazy. It will toughen u up further and make you trust urself.

Get tested and NEVER sleep with him without a condom. NEVER. Do u hear me? GOOD.

Make an EXIT plan. This is important. Whether or not you guys stay together….Make an EXIT plan…..

I am sure there are many NGOS around that will be willing to help. Walk into their doors and tell them your story, tell them you are willing to work for shelter or school fees. And LOVE your sister. I wish I am able to help more but I am also a student and Broke as hell….So that is all I can say.


P.S. Y'all are free to give your takes.


  1. Yesss!!!!I Micheal-Phelps'ed it!!!!
    Hmmmmm never should one be in a relationship because of convenience and no where else to go...resentment is brewing, next thing hate walks...Doesn't Busi have friends that can take her in???Or as Temite said NGOs that could help her..the shelters for abused women??
    The boyfriend is a coward in my eyes any man that raises his hand and beats a woman is a coward and not a man in my eyes @ all!!!

  2. this is really sad. my prayers are with her, but like temite and shona suggested she should try the NGOs they might help..

  3. Ho old is Busi? And in what countyr does she live in? And is she a citizen of the country she lives in? answers to this question determine what advice one can give her.

  4. @ shona..hehe imagine that....i guess she shud consider the shelters cos the relationship is not healthy for for the boyfriend, i dont even have words for him..

    @ bsnc..yea..thanks hon..

    @ tigeress..she's 22..lives in, she's not a citizen..

  5. yeh that makes a lot of difference. I feel for her. Has she tried going to a Church- Naija church. that way she might find someone who is willing to house her without smacking her around or demanding sex from her. At her age i was on my own already..... but i was in the UK then. I really dont know what to say. Buttercup- arent u in a position to at least accomodate her? if not i do have a friend who's been there for a while- i can introduce her to.

  6. once he hits you, he'll hit you again.. thats all i can say. she just need to find the inner courage and motivation to walk away from it all. its not easy, but nothing worth having or fighting for is easy

  7. @ tigeress..i live in an apartment with my 3 siblings and our parents come over from time to time, so yea..if the situation were different, she'd definitely be in my house right now, and then there's her sister to think about too. i guess i cud bring up the subject of shelters with her. although, at the moment, she's going back to her country to see if she can raise some money, so we r keeping our fingers crossed at the moment..if she comes back from home without any positive feedback, i'd be sure to let her know about ur friend....thanks a lot..

    @ sweetnothin'..yea, i much as she says she's ready to leave, i think a great part of her still loves him too much..

  8. @ Shona ati what? Micheal chi? LMAO you are hilarious! Anywho on to the girl. Buttercup I only disagree with the fight back thing. They are not physically matched and giving back as good as you get either blurs the lines of abuse or worsens the abuse. On everything else though I agree, exit plans are always good and I dont know what country you guys are in but there should be some NGO's who cater to women's needs. Good luck to your friend hey..

  9. Sigh..I'm so sorry for Busi. There are too many women being abused like this.
    What I'd like to say has already been said.
    I am not sure about fighting back. It depends how nuts the guy is. I don't want her to get any MORE hurt. Regardless I think the inevitable thing she has to do is to get away from him. One can never build a stable life on such a unstable environment. People have their fair share of problems and issues but when it results in physical abuse, that just breaks it.
    I understand it can be so hard when you're locked in a situation like that but she really just needs to find a way to get away from him either through church or someone else. From there she can succeed in getting a job and getting her life back on track. The most important thing however is that she does not forget or get confused about her WORTH and doesn't lose herself in the middle of this.
    Remind her that she is loved and worthy and important. It's easy getting confused when living with a man like that. Don't allow her to get isolated and give up. I'll keep her in my prayers.

  10. really sad story, death definitely has that effect on people, sort of like sucks out life out of you.

    The shelter thing is a good idea but as she is not a citizen it might be a little tough to get help.

    The relationship is not healthy for her but with the family kicking her sister out, she probably doesn't have anywhere else to go.

    Butter just try to encourage her NEVER to give up, at 22 she still has her life ahead of her. Going to church is a good idea too, she'll probably get some sort of help physically & spiritually

  11. now i see why my parents were so adamant on making us self-sufficient. well, i guess i should say too much, cos it's easy 2 talk wen u know they r alive & should d worst comes to it, u can always fall back on them. i can understand how tough it must be. still, i can't ever understand with someone living with an abusive man. it erodes her self-confident, which is one thing she needs to survive in this world. cos so many shit will get tossed on u. what is she 2 do? accept them? wot is she even gaining 4rm d man sef, other dan maybe free food & shelter? haba sister! she should have some ambitions now. eh. those chicks r probably doing d same thing she is doing 4 dis man -a.k.a sleeping with him, & r giving cars, bought houses, trained in school, families sponsored etc. abeg, if u wan chop frog, better make sure na d huge one with eggs u dey chop oh. because this nonsense she dey do with dis man no concern love oh. gurlfriend needs to be street-smart!!!!

  12. One more thing, I just started a new blog, BAMBINA ( It’s more like a baby/mom blog & I eagerly need contributors. So, if you have any story u want to share or know anyone who does, please send me a mail. Details are at d blog: Thanks a bunch.

  13. Busi, move in with a friend…talk to friends about a job and you will be shocked at where the help will come from..

    I have seen a close friend raise 6 siblings after she was suddenly made an orphan…But she did it, she succeeded and so can determined but most of all, never loose your great spirit…

  14. i feel for Busi cos she is like between the devil and the deep blue sea.

    Just like buttercup said - its time to make exit plans... refusing him sex without a condom might be tough.. such men have been known to rape... same thing with the stick and knife... they work only once with violent men... the only way out is an exit plan...

    Busi needs to find a shelter (for abused women) they exist and they help... and then she can take a lowly job while she lives at the shelter its better than nothing....

    now if Busi were in Nigeria where there are few or no such shelters, Busi should go to a church ... but she is not in Nigeria right? shelter it is then, or friends? no friends who can help? Buttercup? spread the word, ask your friends! you never know who will have compassion!

    my heart goes out to you Busi! as for the boyfriend - i have no words to waste on him

  15. Sad story...i hate stories of abuse!
    I think Busi DEFINITELY needs an exit plan, not for the future but for NOW!
    I don't believe anyone is ever totally out of options. I do honestly hope she's not enjoying the abusive relationship (it happens with some women)...she left once, she can do it again and this time for good!
    It might be hard to find a shelter but one thing Busi should do is wonder if she'd have an option if she had never met this guy.
    I once lived somewhere i thought was my only option but when i was pushed to the wall, like really pushed, my eyes opened and options came to me.
    I pray the Lord will guide Busi and that she will find some comfort! there for your friend!

  16. This is really sad... poor lady.. and yes ooo pls dont sleep with the dude without a condom cuz its v dangerous u dont know what his carryin beneath. May God continue to be with her.

  17. This is very sad..I really feel for Busi and abusive relationships is not what she needs right now. I think she definitely needs an exit plan, to somehwere where she can think about what next to do in life and gradually pick herself up.
    May God in his infinite mercy make a way out for her and keep her.

  18. I always got angry when I heard of people that stayed in abusive relationships, but now I understand that you make excuses for the ones you love, boyfriend, sibling or parents. I really agree about the shelters in Nigeria. It will definitely be something I will look into in the future, because we African women need to support each other, we need to make moves in the right direction. Nice suggestion Temite and nice post Buttercup!


  19. Busi please leave that man, you are too good for him in all respects. You need to believe in You right now. Talk to people about getting a job, maybe share with a friend till you can get back on your feet. Life is too precious to be unhappy, its a gift.

    In the meantime, i hope you find the courage to overcome this

    Hugs xxx

  20. Great writeups, Burra and Temie babes. You have offered lots of suggestions for Busi, and I pray that she is able to take one of them that involved getting away from this guy.

    Temie: I worry that if she has too many altercations with the abusive guy where she tries to fight back and he uses the opportunity to "really" give it to her (using the excuse that she fought back so he also had to "put her in her place"), she may end up dead. That's my only concern.

  21. wow..breathtakin i would say.I wonder why any woman would want to stick with a guy who suddenly turns are into a punchin bag overnight and stupidly still expects he's gonna change..

    The question is does a leopard ever changes its spot?
    Much as i feel so much pain for Busi and so much disdain for whoever the husband is..i feel she's got a choice and thats never to compromise your self worth simply becos you got someone paying your bills.
    There's got to be sometime in life you just have to dare the odds and stare whatever circumstances your facin in life in the eye..You gotta be strong Busi,if your readin this..Life wasnt or isnt promised to be all fun but a roll of thorns that comes in hails oftentimes...

    I also feel very strongly that fightin back an abusive guy isnt the way to go if she's still got her life to live..Get on your kneels and knock on the door of heaven..Open your heart and he sure always listen

    Good luck Busi...

  22. hmmm, I think there's something psychologically wrong with ur friend. It might seem a little far-fetched becos u know her and all, but I assure u, there's something fundamentally wrong, and she needs to RUN AWAY, NOW!!! She will have some clarity when she is not constantly being hit on. And @ Temite... 'not sleep with him w/o a condom"? How funny. He is already hitting her. What makes u think he won't go catch a disease (since we know he isn't exactly faithful) and then come and dash it to her after beating her to unconsciousness? As long as there are still human beings in SA and a God up there, she is NOT out of options. Talk to people in church, at work... u'll be amazed at how much information you get.

    *I wish I could dash her this extra room :(

  23. Aww you guys :)

    Thanks for all the care, suggestions and what not. I assure you that the necessary actions will be taken soon..

  24. Hmmmm this is a tough call. But I believe there is a way out of every situation. It will be tough for her for a while without the guy support but she needs to try and make it on her own... It's gonna be tough but it's doable


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