Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Bills Bills Bills 2

Good Naija Girl did such a good job in the part one that I know I don’t have much to add to it. We all agree that the man should bear the brunt of the bills right or is anybody in disagreement? But I think if we are leaving them with the brunt of the bills then we need to do something in turn….Get your mind out of the gutter people. Give him a clean happy home, a home that rings with laughter and happiness, drop your office worries in the office, give him unnecessary hugs and kisses but don’t let him turn you into a floor mat oh! And yes, do that other gutter minded thing as well.

I was going to do my first ever audio post but almost swallowed my tongue trying to speak. I had always assumed that if all else fails career wise I would be a radio presenter but I think I need a rethink! So what should be my other career plan apart from pole dancing??

Ok, the topic…bills,bills,bills…the question is…Who really should foot what bills in the home husband/wife….taking into consideration that both parties have good jobs.
Even though the question was sent by someone in Nigeria, I will focus on a UK based story...I have a close friend who has lived here most of her life. She is in that place we all want to be financially, top management with the firm she works at, owns her own 3 bedroom house and posh car, and I don’t mean a house and car bought on mortgage, I mean paid upfront.

She met a guy who resided in naija and they decided to get married, thing is she had always felt she was too strong for any man to handle so decided to live down her accomplishments by telling her fiancé at the time that the house is rented and he needs to help her with the rent...As we speak they are happily married and the guy pays the full house rent while saving money to buy them “their own property”. Now in that situation, you tell me, is she justified in feeling that way, how about morally, is there any portion in the holy books that say “thou shall not lie to your partner”?


What is the next step, confession or sell the house and act like it never happened??

50 comments:

  1. Am sad i have to sound like this but she is justified jooo.am sure she saw d kinda man and Nigerians and our mentality,the man might have ran!!!
    He feels more in control paying her rent and saving towards buying a house.the only SCARY thing is if he ever finds out,yawah go gas!!
    i jus hope he sees the real reason y she had to do dat at d time.....

    PS:am on fire..........am 1st here as well

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  2. I am sorry but the girl just postponed the problem for another day. How will she tell him the truth? She should not have started the marriage on a lie.. the husband might start to think everything she told him is a lie... A man that will love you for who u are should never be afraid of your accomplishment but rather praise it.

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  3. i agree with allied, a marriage cannot be based on lies, teh cornerstone stone has to be agood foundation, a man who isnt proud of her accomplishment isnt worth it.
    when he finds out(cos he will) it might end the marriage.
    the truth is always better.

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  4. And given the fact that it has already happened?? she can't undo it...so what now?

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  5. It's really sad but i totally get wat the lady did. I mean 36inches wants to buy an LR3 and people are going on about how men would be scared away, add a house paid upfront & na life long singlehood be that.

    The deed has been done, the man is happy paying the rent(which goes to her pocket i assume). If she wants, she can sell the house and put the money in a trust for the kids

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  6. She had better device the perfect plan on how to unleash that piece of information.

    I hope she kept his money so she can give it back to him- so they can put it towards the property 2they" intend to purchase.

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  7. She had better not disclose that fact to the husband. That will be major information. The guy will be hurt that she didn't trust him enough. She did not allow him make a decision based on the facts.

    He will begin to wonder what else she is hiding from him ot what other 'lie' she has told him.

    There will be some disquiet in the relationship.

    On the bills- I think the husband should pay the major ones like mortgage etc. If for nothing else but to allow him be the alpha male.

    I have heard marriage is different, the man needs to feel like he is needed and that he has a major role to play in the household.

    Let her keep the money and make it a contribution to their 'joint' property.

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  8. As far as am concerned that is deception whether her intentions were good or not. What does she mean by she's too strong for a man to handle? While she may have kept her financial abilities secret at the inception of the marriage, the minute they decide to get married she should have come out with it. If the man had a baby by another woman but decides to keep it a secret because he doesnt wanna loose her how would she feel on finding out a few years into the marriage?

    The earlier she comes out with the truth the better. The man should foot most of the bill in the house but we know sometimes there are imperfect situations where the woman just earns more than the man and I dont see why she cant top up if need be. Why would you save your own money in a secret account when your husband is struggling? That's not marriage to me, it's convenience. However it's a different story if the man can afford to shoulder all the bills and he's happy for you not to chip in.

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  9. ooo do the audio post. Don't worry you will not swallow your tongue..

    Yes i understand where she is coming from, but you do not build your foundation on a lie. The earlier she tells him, the better for both of them because the truth always find its way out

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  10. I totally agree with Scoopsnaija...thou shalt not lie to anybody!!its going to be hard for her to tell him the truth now!
    Also, i do not agree that the man should bear the brunt of the bills alone o..if they are both working what is the woman using her money for?Both husband and wife should contribute based on their earnings jare...Society has been known to put the woman down and we are all attempting to break out of this...so we should take all the responsibilities that comes it!

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  11. First please do the audio post, pllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssssssssssseee

    Secondly, I'll just be blunt, she should have told him, if he didn't want to be with her, then he wasn't meant to be the one, what she's done now is she's built a house on an unsure foundation, and the fact that they've been paying RENT???Haba, that's three much now

    She needs to tell him the truth....

    And as Pink Satin says, both husband and wife should work TOGETHER

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  13. ok based on d fact that it has already happened...she should tell him the truth o because even if she sells the house and acts like nothing happened it will come out one day...so just tell him d truth....maybe after feeding him with pounded yam and nkwobi~~lol..

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  14. The real truth will come out one of these days. Just time that is all. Even if she doesn't tell him; He'd still find out somehow. So, better she tells him herself now.

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  15. Nice post Afrobabe, I think she should have let the guy know her true status before they even get married. A man/woman that will let that disturb them might not be ready for a relationship with that person.

    Well, I think it's good both foot the bill...
    Some women dont like contrbuting cuz of issue of distrust ( well, some women told me that). But I am for happiness, respect for each other and being helpful to each other. Realtionship is not about ego or selfishness as I see in some couple....

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  16. I reckon the issue about paying of bills isn't an issue - just my opinion (make nobody shout - hold it):-) The underpinning factor in marriage is da both partners are ONE. I reckon it doesn't matter who pays the bills in the house. If the husband is financially capable - he should likewise the wife.I reckon openness, loyalty, selflessness are key drivers in marriage x

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  17. lies beget more lies. You only tell the truth once.

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  18. This is sad because the marriage has a foundation of lies!. It is not right and i don't think God would be happy with this at all. Will she ever be able to tell him the truth?

    The thing with bills is that it should be shared between the man and woman involved.It doesn't matter who pays which type of bill as long as both are paying for something.
    Also When one of the partners does not have the money, the other should step in and help as much as they can.

    It's all about team work!

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  19. hm, i like this story. poses some thot provoking questions. In as much as I perfectly understand where this woman is coming from by telling him her house is rented, I dont think she should be lying to him becuz the lie will only lead to more and more lies. She really should be upfront about things. Paradoxically, I think her lies even exert some kind of power on him. If the guys is a decent man, they'll figure out a way to make things work out so that no one feels threatened. She should also remember that though they are two, they are one.

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  20. shu...why lie now...kai this na baba deception

    she brought this on herself..she has to tell him the truth o...it will be hard...but she will have to find a way to tell and beg him whatever it takes...she suppose even fast sef and ask for God's intervention in this marra...

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  21. ok she lied!! big deal, everybody lies..we all make mistakes.

    Her husband will be mad as hell when he finds out, but i hope he will forgive her deception and realise she is just human. They can actually turn this thing around positively by getting a new crib together. Mortgage free!

    I think she should tell him as it seems this issue is already causing her stress, then she should show her remorse, apologise and hope for the best. If he really loves her they will get over this.

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  22. sell the house and pretend it never happened.

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  23. Ermm, y did she feel like she had to sell herself short? That strikes me as a marriage of convenience. While the holy book doesn't explicitly say 'thou shalt not lie to thy partner' (lol) I believe there is also a verse that says they become 1, or something of that nature. Someone already said lies begets more lies. Is she willing to hold onto that secret for the rest of her life? I hope she can cos if the guy finds out that he's been chopped and screwed, she might not like his reaction... na dat time awon aiye go dey yarn orisiri.

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  24. I echo what everyone has said. The truth will most likely come out even if its 50 years later. See for instance how Jack Nicholson found out YEARS later that his 'sister' was actually his mum and that his 'mum' was actually his grandma. I know that has no correlation to this post(lol) but my point is that the truth always comes out EVENTUALLY.

    Good luck to her and good luck with the pole dancing ;)

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  25. STOP lying to the man, he wont find it funny when he eventually finds out.

    I believe the man should pay the major bills. Men like to take charge of stuff, a man who cant provide 4 his family, will feel unfulfilled.

    In my home Hubby pays the major bills, and I pay 4 other stuff; laundry, waste mgt, and minor repairs that have to be done in the home.

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  26. Well thats the gimmick most ladies play on guys..why live your life on some freakin lies you gonna have to keep a secret all your life..Really i dont know how it applies in the UK but i know certainly here in the US..it takes two to tango
    In otherwords,everyone..both the male and female gotta have something to bring to the table or how does a man flex his whole muscles payin all those bills on mortgage,credit cards and loans on stuffs in the home and the woman sits idly there relishin her wealth alone..it doesnt work for me...

    Like they say "if your in rome,you act like the romans"..If for some reasons,i find myself in Nigeria prolly relocatin ..which i doubt..lol..then i might have to rethink the male ego thing and work my ass out but here in the US...It takes the two of us..SHikena!!!

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  27. Hmmmmm...I would say she should tell him the truth now and carefully explain to him why she did it ....It must be hard going around with such a huge burden on her chest ..wow

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  28. my dear, i don't agree with dis ur statement oh, 'But I think if we are leaving them with the brunt of the bills then we need to do something in turn'. haba now! daz so 1950s! if we r talking marriage here, we r talking partnership. everybody puts their weight on everything. i contribute 2 bills, u contribute to housechores.

    as 4 d babe lying 2 her man, well i gotta say now is d time to own up. if she leaves it, d worse it'd look. not to mention, dude might find out 4 himself & all hell will be let loose. & she don't want that, does she?

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  29. One more thing, I just started a new blog, BAMBINA (http://idreamtofu.blogspot.com) It’s more like a baby/mom blog & I eagerly need contributors. So, if you have any story u want to share or know anyone who does, please send me a mail. Details are at d blog: Thanks a bunch.

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  30. down her accomplishments? Sounds like lies to me. I feel whomever i marry will be proud of my accomplishments and push me to do better. Then again, maybe i'm living in a 'koo-koo' world.

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  31. wow. First of all, i can't believe it took me this long to come and comment on here.

    Second of all,while i totally and completely understand the reason for her actions, relationships should not be built on a lie. Especially marriages. Especially w/ a situation like this where the truth is bound to come out. Its best she comes right out and tells the truth while apologizing for her lies.
    If you're w/ someone who truly loves you,there is absolutely no need to down play(lie) about accomplishments

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  32. lol..I'm not lieing, that was a good move! She's lucky cuz most powerful and ambitious women find it hard to be satisfied with men. I think it was ok because she just wanted him to play his role..Ass for pole dancing??...ok oh!

    x!

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  33. i really dont blame her for lying..... most Nigerian men with the mentality wouldnt appreciate her having the house. I will do the same if i were in her shoes. There may be a way for her to make it right, maybe she could tell him that the landlord wants to sell the house, and it'd be better for them to buy it since they've been living there....
    They say honesty is good in marriage but ive a feeling the guy wont appreciate her honesty...so a babe's gotta do what she has to do

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  34. as for bills in marriage, it has to be 50/50 if we both have good jobs. Or at least a decent percentage.

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  35. Her revealing the truth can ruing their marriage

    I suggest she never tells and moves

    Though she did a bad move from the start, wasn't a wise one in anyway.

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  36. In A Nutshell, If It Was The Guy That Did The 'Live Down Accomplishments' Stunt..Am Sure We'd Hear The Whole Epistle About Lies Not Suitable For Any Union & Men Been Douchebags As Usual From The Oestrogen Populace.

    The Shit Is Gonna Hit The Fan Sooner Than She Thinks & Since The Guy Apparently Is A Heaven Sent. She Better Starts Throwing Up The Lies ASAP If She Doesnt Want It Any Uglier.

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  37. I wont judge her reasons for doing wat she did cos i dont wat she had been through.

    Honestly me in my cowardly self would sell the house put it in a fixed deposit or something and pretend it never happened.

    That na serious gbese o!!
    Not only did she not tell him but he is now paying rent??
    lol I dread to think of his reaction.

    He is a man and you know men and their pride.

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  38. @ Pinkyandbrain: If it was a man there would be no cultural need for him to live down his accomplishments... so this would never have come up.

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  39. I really understand this babe, but she has just put herself in trouble because the man WILL find out. Wahala will be bound to start.

    For your pole dancing, I dey behind you! :-)))

    Please check my blog:
    http://menoosha.blogspot.com

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  40. omg are you kidding? I feel like when he finds out he's going to be really mad...Perhaps she should have told him sooner? Esp since they were getting married...Idk :S

    Meanwhile a woman should never have to play down her accomplishments...She should have been proud!

    I hope she figures everything out...x

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  41. I say she should pray about it all...

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  42. I understand where the babe is coming from...for most men, their manhood can often be defined by their ability to provide...and their ego's bruise easily...
    At the same time, I see a marriage as a partnership. I think both parties should provide. And the truth is, times may come when the woman has to bear the brunt of financially responsibilities...as long as she is not throwing it in the man's face, it really should not be a huge deal...well taken outside the context of the African mentality sha...

    PS: I just read Steve Harvey's "Act like a Lady, Think Like A Man"....great read for all the ladies out there!

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  43. I will find it very difficult to forgive and forget if my wife does that to me.
    Better she didnt mention it at all than lie about it.
    That said, how to remedy the situation?
    Sell the house and tell the truth.
    If he loves you, he will forgive and then maybe in 5years time, forget.

    My take on BILLS, BILLS, BILLS?
    Husband does the CAPEX
    Wife does the OPEX
    Husband contributes minimally to housechores - like, take out the trash, jist with wife while she cooks, help hang clothes to dry after she launders, etc.

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  44. @tobenna- and why cant the husband cook sometimes?? which one be minimal in this ooo??

    your wife will be pregnant one day n cooking might be the last thing on her mind so start practicing. for real

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  45. Naked Soul got it right!

    When (not IF) he finds out he will most likely move out of the house and wonder if the children are even his.

    She can arrange a Realtor or Agent from out of town to sell the house and she advise them to buy it as occupiers. Whatever he has paid as rent so far, she can accept as down-payment (without letting on)and make up the balance from their savings or she 'pays' it and make it look like a 50-50 contribution. The sooner the better.

    I think she did right but sometimes shit happens.

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  46. Think about it, have you ever had ANY situation in your life that you shared anything 50-50?

    When you start looking for 50/50 in your marriage or relationship, you are looking for unhappiness. Period.

    50-50 is in your imagination. It just don't happen! I know. I am married.

    Every relationship is like that between the pigeon who shits on a statue. On some days you are the statue, some days you are the pigeon.

    Accept that and you will have eternal happiness! LOL!

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  47. The man should pay the bulk of the bills - not because I think women should not be made to pay the bills, but because men find fulfillment in being able to cater for their family (wife, children, old parents, etc). If a woman is paying the bulk of the bills, the man might feel inadequate. That being said, your friend shouldn't have lied to her hubby. When a man is the right man, things will fall into place - as long as they're both right for each other. A mature man shouldn't be intimidated by his woman's success. And the woman in turn shouldn't taunt him with it. They're one, right? Understanding is key.

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  48. I find the lies to her husband hard to understand. Why lie when lying means you are accepting a huge character flaw (immaturity). That being said and moving forward....
    She has lied already and I think she will be better off selling off the property, investing the money and nursing a guilty conscience till they are old and graying...

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  49. A BIG SCREAM to the AfriCAN Women out there,
    WOW!!!!!!
    My first time here and what a wonderful site. How come I am just getting to know of this site hehn, Afrobabe, Temite and co?
    Anyway, I will be a regular and I better blogroll asap.

    Now, with regards the lady in question, personally, I thought she is a wise so and so. It explains why she is top in her profession. Let her keep the ongoing arrangement going. With time, all will be revealed and if the man in her life is real, he will appreciate her the more.
    I will not call it lying, I will say she is applying wisdom.
    As for the bills, the man in the house ought to be responsible for the bills, when the woman sees that he needs help, then she can come in.
    My tip again is that Women should not drive home the point that it is a Man's duty, a responsible man already knows.
    Also, sorry if I come across as being ...so and so...but boy friend and girl friend stuff is different from marriage oh....I know. I should know...in fact I am in the Know after so many years o....so please those giving tips, this is no Mills and Boom o...sorry guys...(that has revealed my generation hasn't it)...lolllll

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  50. She'll have to own up someday and the sooner the better... inbtw what has she been doing with the rent money?

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