Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Dear African Women: Marriage Issues

We got a question and we three (GNG, Vera and I) decided to make audio posts with our opinions, 

Could you help me ask if a woman would be opposed to marrying her dead husband's younger brother? There's no tradition involved and no one's forcing her to. It's simple. Her husband's dead, she has kids for him, and she's young enough to remarry. Instead of going outside she decides to marry her husband's single younger brother. It's kinda safe for her and she doesn't have to change her last name........again. No tradition involved and she not being forced to.
Pls let me know the overall opinion. Thanks :)

Please Listen when you have time and/ or leave an opinion or comment!



  2. Good job ladies!

    I dont really have an opinion about this issue. Personally it's nothing i'll be open to, but whatever rocks her boat.

  3. If she's not being forced to do so - AND she's happy. Why not? Nobody's opinion should matter that much...unless she's looking to cop-out based on perceived general feelings???

  4. I totally am against this! c'mon, what r the kids suppose to call their uncle now?
    And the dead brother, won't he be turning in his grave?
    So would this marriage be for love? and when did this love resurrect? b4 or after the death of the brother?
    And i am pretty sure God wldn't sanction this!
    Okay lets leave religion, your morals, you are sleeping with your dead husband's brother!
    No, no, no!

  5. My last word is AGAIN..."find love again". hehehe

    Thanks for putting this together, smithy darlin'! Great to hear your points of view Vera and wordsmith!

  6. haha..GNG sounds sooo Canadian..

    Anyway I think it would be really awkward for the both of them in every way. Not having to change names seems a somewhat `flimsy` excuse.

  7. It's a "NO NO" for me...

    Chayoma pretty much expresses my inhibitions about the transaction!

    Case closed

  8. Its strange but no where in this post did anybody say what the brother's opinion is on this matter. Was he willing to go for it or would he rather find his own Eve to start a new family with?

    We are Africans and we know this is nothing new particulalry as nobody is forcing anybody to do anything here. If the guy is game then let them play on.

    Wether the 'love' came before or after the dead man's demise is rather irrelevant here.

    They are adults and they found love. End of story.

    About the last name issue, who knows wether the children even belonged to the dead guy sef?

    Abeg if we continue we will come up with questions we no go fit answer. LOL!

  9. funny, this is the obtainable tradition where i come from, thus it wont be very starnge to some 'brothers', now in this case, the woman is the more than willing partner, she can go ahead...however, i would prefer it not to happen in my family, there's something seemingly perverse about it

  10. Hmmmm, cant listen to it from work but I think it’s a no no…its disgusting and feels like incest to me…

  11. oooooooooh,my internet is too wont finish downloading in a

  12. I am pretty much with Chayoma on this issue. Like Baroque said kinda perverse. Wouldn't she rather belong in a new family, have new experiences and give her kids a chance to expand their family connection?

    If they both don't mind they can go ahead. But I would rather not have it in my family!

  13. Personally, the reasons for the 2nd marriage is not substantial enough, its too flimsy, if she has to do marriage with any other man irrespective of prior relationship it shd be for the right reasons.

    You gals have a gr8 voice. very "chic-ky" lol!

  14. ah i think u ladies have said it all..its sad enough she has lost her husband...but not sure about this new union...

  15. This seems to be her choice and if she is not being forced then, it's up to her if she really want to do that.

    I feel it's okay for her to weigh her options very well, the pros and cons b4 she decides on marrying the younger brother of her late husband. She has a right to use any surname she wants in a new marriage, all they need do is discuss and agree.

    But if she is doing it for love rather than convenience, it's her choice.

  16. Buhahahahahaha @ N.I.M.M.O's comment. Who knows if the kids belongs to the dead guy?????? Oh, my days!! You won't kill me with laughter. What are you implying sef?

    Thanks to everyone for your comments oh. I hope we're able to help her make her decision.

    @ GNG & WordSmith, twas totally awesome hearing your takes on this issue.

  17. I can't listen at work! So sad!! But will make sure to do so as soon as I get home.

    But you guys know my take on the issue. It's more so questions: What does the brother think? Is he ok with it or doing it out of duty? Do they plan on having more kids? How would the kids feel about having bro/sis/cousin combo? If the only reason she's marrying the brother is "not to change names" then I think it's not a good enough answer.

  18. Good Job Ms. Wordsmith... You're the greatest chica!

  19. God forbid bad thing.How can somebody ho once see me as her brother's wife now turned to the owner.Tufiakpa!

  20. So long as she's happy then it's fine. I don't stand on ceremony or wait for society to define right and wrong for me. So long as she does it for the right reasons...

  21. and no offence, but naija wife, hope you were joking when you typed the word "owner". Marriage ís not ownership. marriage is not a master - owner relationship oh. As for the kids, trust me, they'll learn to deal with it if they have been raised to be balanced.

  22. I guess it's her own choice but I'm going to have to go with Chayoma and a lot of other people here with my personal opinion. I kind of cringe just hearing the idea..
    Unfortunately I am at work and unable to listen. I will try to come back and listen! I love your posts!

  23. personally, i see nothing wrong with it if both parties r for it, & if there r no oppositions from d relations, esp the dead man's mother. would i do it myself? well, it depends. if i honestly think i can find some affection with my husband's brother, i may consider it.

  24. i have a friend dat her mom died wen they were really young. their dad wanted to marry their mom's sister, but due to oppositions like chayoma's, they decided against it. people were like 'maybe it's d sister dat killed d dead wife'.

    Today, my friend's dad has remained single, after a failed trial at remarriage. my friend insists that her aunt would have made d best wife 4 her dad. maybe she is right. but guess wot, her aunt or her dad may never know marital bliss, cos they were minded of societal sentiments.

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  26. Its gross! it makes nonsense of her husband's memory, at least in my opinion.

  27. If there is one thing I have learnt over the years is not to judge anybody. It sounds cliche to say it but truly it is he that is wearing the shoes that knows where it is pinching. As a lot of bloggers have said, if the reason for getting married is to provide for the kids then marriage should not come into it as this can be achieved without the union. There is also the issue of societal stigma that follows such unions. I had a friend at the university whose father is married to two sisters. I will never forget the way I found out. One very happy information minister was all too pleased to tell me about it and I know how much it hurt my friend when she found out I knew.

    Of course one has to bear in mind the fact that whoever the younger brother may chose to marry in the future may not 100% in support of his surrogate dad role if he choses not to marry his sister-in-law...humm...saying it like that makes the whole situation sound so messy...

    If they are in love on the otherhand, they should do their thing. Life is too short to live for others. If they are happy and in love then they should feel free.

  28. it doesn't make sense to me at alllll

  29. I think if she really likes the dude, she should do what she has to do
    Tradition aside
    and like tairebabs said, its only those who are in the situtation know what it realli feels like. They might just be selfless and puttheir kids future above theirs!

  30. Personally, I wouldn't do it, but much as we all want to have that against all odds love, remember there are children and others involved, if your society permits, why not? If it doesn't it would be selfish to turn your kids into outcasts "because of love". I had a classmate in secondary school, whos' aunt married his Dad when his mom died as is their custom and they have a normal happy home;

    The reasons given are not valid enough for me sha, I mean you don't want to change your name? Are you for real? If you really don't want to you don't have to. I do believe some marriages are built on love while others are built on convenience and as long as both parties are happy, no qualms. As long as the said marriage is not a means of escape, you really don't have to justify anything to anyone just consider all those who will directly be affected (kids, man's family, your family).


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